| i just need to write this. and even though i should probably seek help instead of xanga-ing i don't want to go to a doctor. because short of giving me (more) drugs it really doesn't seem worth it because no matter how many people i talk to i feel like no one ever hears me.
i've been thinking about killing myself for about three months...more or less.
i think about it throughout the day...where ever i am...whoever i am with...it's always in the back of my mind.
and i cry. i cry every single fucking day about everything because my life has become a complete joke.
and the only thing that makes me more upset than the fact that wanting to be dead has consumed me is that i haven't done it already.
and why?
1. there's no one to cover my shifts at work
2. my family might be sad
i feel like no matter what i fucking do i will never be better than what i am now.
everyone tells me that my negative attitude toward my existance is what makes bad things happen to me.
well fuck all that. cuz i used to be extremely happy. and witty. and smart. and ambitious. and i thought that as long as i stayed that way and did good things and got good grades and was a good friend to the people i cared about that i would get what i want. and that i would accomplish my goals. and that my life would be how i always imagined.
so i let people walk all over me. and make me feel obligated to do things. and forgave things that i never should have. and the people who didn't do those things just plain left me.
and now i am a mess.
i don't meet new people. because i hate strangers.
i don't look for a new job. because i would let people down and i am comfortable.
i haven't moved out. because i am stuck in high school.
i just want everything to stop. and i don't want to remember anything. and i don't want to have to think at all anymore. i hate everyone. i hate myself.
i wish i didn't feel so alone.
this all sounds stupid because i can't even describe how badly i don't want to be.
<3 wenze
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